As we moved into fall, things became more and more heavy. He was rarely home, incredibly cold to me when he was, and mostly just gaslit me over financial things or rolling his eyes and sneering when I would try to talk to him. I would always hear about the grocery bill (two kids, two dogs, two adults, and a baby who needed very expensive formula to supplement what I couldn't produce...anyone else find a cheap way to make that happen? Anyone? No?), daycare, all of the things that I had no work-around. I used every possible coupon app, planned around weekly sales, whatever I could do. Anytime he would bring it up, I would ask for a budget, a number - just vaguely saying I needed to spend less didn't help. Groceries are expensive, and I at least try to be aware of what's going in my kids' bodies. No, I'm not out here buying organic everything because I'm not a flippin' millionaire, so are we talking "can't do organic meat this trip" or is it "ramen for dinner every night"? I was trying and didn't know how to try any harder.
It wasn't just the financial gaslighting - I lost my partner. My friend. In years' past, when he was home, I loved it. We used to make a good team at home (when he was actually there) - we could knock out some house duties, juggle meals and the kids, and then watch a show or movie and just talk. Now my options were to have someone in the house treating me like he hated being around me, or parent and adult fully solo. There was never a chance to exhale. I recall one afternoon he was home with all of us; the kids were napping, so we turned on the Game of Thrones prequel. We had been fans of GOT, so I was excited to watch. In the beginning of the episode, there was a queen who was due to give birth soon. It was quickly apparent she had complications and the baby was breech. My heart sank. I was immediately back in the L&D exam room before being whisked off to the OR. I covered my face with my hands. Why I didn't just leave the room, I'll never know. The sounds from the show were unbearable. I moved my hands over my ears, squeezed my eyes tightly shut, and just rocked myself back & forth. When the scene ended, I moved my hands, opened my ears as the tears fell, and looked at him. He glared at me as though I had ruined his viewing experience, and when I tried to apologize (for what?!?!?!?!?!?!) he haughtily laughed it off.
I no longer knew the person sleeping next to me.
September brought a lot of travel (I thought). I would use our shared calendar to brace my emotions and try to regulate how I would feel when I was solo versus when he was there. None of it was good. He had an event the last week of September and told me he would get back the day after our son's birthday. We had a party planned for a few weeks after that, so I tried my best to have a fun few days for him, shopped with a sick toddler for all the necessities, brought cupcakes to his school with the girls in tow, set up all of his gifts the night before, took the kids for frozen yogurt, and had a park play date and lunch with his best buddy. I made sure to video him opening his gifts so Matt wouldn't have to miss it.
Thank goodness I did video it, because he was way too busy that weekend to be there. He had a full weekend of moving into the nearby house he just rented for them and then giving her shopping money to go get decorations for "their home". Guess that meant I should have been on the "ramen every night for dinner" plan.
He came home "straight from being on the road" that Sunday so he could swoop in, be fun dad, and join us at the pumpkin patch.
He made sure his fun continued into October.
**Thank you so much for following along so far and being part of this platform as I share my story. I hope and pray something positive comes of it, and if reading this keeps one woman from ending up on a similar path it will be worth it. If at any point you have time, please check out the products in my shop. I have digital downloads as well as apparel & gift items, and everything was created with the intent of building a side hustle to minimize any dependence on him.**
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