Part 26: Which way is up?

Just a few weeks after moving into our house, I had to get everyone ready for a new school year - including a completely new school for my son. Despite having solo-parented essentially most of my time as a mother, it felt stifling at first to take on this much change. I quickly reacted to the difference in solo parenting when you’re married/in a partnership vs knowing it truly is just you: I shut down/shut out anything not immediately affecting our little nucleus. Neglected myself, my business, my friendships…I was willing to fail myself before I would fail my kids - not admitting to myself that eventually the habitual self-neglect in every way would almost drown me if I didn't create some form of respite. Caring for everyone and everything became overwhelming so I put myself last.

Nevertheless, I'm comforted when I look back at pictures of that time and my feelings of relief that we're another year into our new story and being proud in a way of the woman in those pictures far outweighs my feelings of sadness or of guilt that I was failing them in any way. We added a furry member to our family, the baby started crawling (an extra big milestone following her cleft repair), we had a visit from Sis (my youngest bonus kid/their half-sister from his first marriage) and got to hear about her adventures as a flight attendant, and celebrated my oldest one's 8th birthday.

We continued through the year in our new space, navigating school events, holidays, and more. I am grateful for the reminders of hope and signs of love, compassion & empathy from others, as these last two years have been continued to test my faith & patience. I'll share. more below, but the last month in particular has nearly broken me, but goodness gracious have there been some undeniable God moments throughout.

I continue to live each day clinging to the "one day" and daydreaming what will improve when certain milestones are reached. I finally realized I have to find a way to prioritize myself if I ever can hope to reach those milestones. For years now, given my passion for the workout I teach, I prioritized my health in a reasonable/realistic but still focused way. I very much enjoy food & cooking and try to use as many clean ingredients as possible. Like most people, in recent years the cost alone to feed our household has skyrocketed. As day to day responsibilities seemed to multiply and the Get $hit Done Fairy lost our address, cooking for three patience-lacking adorable bottomless pits became more about getting food in them quickly with as few steps as possible than having variety and color on every plate. I was losing a little more of myself that I was proud of. Thankfully, a few months back I took a few steps in the right direction, and the difference it can make overall has been unbelievable. I was feeling pretty trapped but couldn't figure out how to climb out.

I started with some supplements recommended to me by a friend - bioactive peptides. As a non-synthetic product, I was interested, and each line (there are six total) targeted something either physically or mentally that I wanted to improve. Within a few days, the number on the scale dropped - I'll take it. However, beyond the scale is where I've been most impressed.

Before taking these, I usually drank caffeinated drinks like Alani or Celsius knowing full well they are terrible for you. Coffee is delicious but has never treated me kindly or predictably, and teaching fitness classes for a living doesn't work well if you have to worry about running out of the room (sorry, TMI). Keeping up with the kids, house, studio, side hustles, school, daycare, highly interrupted sleep....the list goes on....caffeine was necessary. I would easily drink 2 of those drinks in a day, which meant I was consuming at least 400mg of caffeine. I could drink an energy drink, feel exhausted, and then not be able to fall asleep that night. With the Make Wellness products, I'm taking in less than 200mg of caffeine (some days just 100mg) daily, I feel steady through the day, and I'm sleeping better at night. My food cravings are beginning to shift back towards a cleaner palate. While I don't have the time or the budget to overhaul our weekly meals, I've found if I make sure that I have a few staples on hand to eat throughout the week that the frozen chicken nugget nights don't feel like as much of a disappointment. My current go-to's?

• Cottage Cheese: Cottage cheese is kind of having a moment apparently...? Works for me. Great protein option and there are tons of recipes for it right now. My favorite combo: cottage cheese, cinnamon, honey, blueberries, & GF granola. Works for breakfast, lunch, dessert, snack - also the kids declared the cottage cheese to be GUSTING, so no one tries to eat my food. Win-win.

• Protein powder: I've tried a lot of brands over the years. Early on, I realized that I tolerated plant-based best (whey/dairy does not like me), and there have been a few I bought more than once. However, hands-down my favorite is Arbonne. It's plant-based, has the best texture I've found, and the flavors are all so good! Comment below or message me if you're interested, and I will send my friend's info! She's another mama to three & has been so kind & supportive to me through all of this. Right now, I'm using the Salted Caramel & Coffee Flavors (half scoop of each). It's quick & a perfect meal on the go. Here's her link: https://www.arbonne.com/us/en/arb/tabithachalfant https://www.arbonne.com/us/en/arb/tabithachalfant

• Mushroom coffee (not a typo): I actually mix it up and just pour it into the protein shake above. Amazing benefits, doesn't mess with my stomach - I've been using the brand Everyday Dose. If you're interested, I'm sure your phone will already know it and pop up an ad for an influencer who has a code, or just search. Their site has a great intro offer!

  
  

The other area I noticed a difference was in my alcohol consumption. Thankfully, it's never been an issue but I've always known that having an alcoholic father could make me more likely to develop negative habits around it. Nevertheless, you better believe that come Friday after 5pm, this mama wouldn't say no to a High Noon. A few hard seltzers on the weekend has been about the extent of my drinking the last couple years, but even that I felt wasn't serving me well anymore. Two seltzers could easily interrupt my sleep, and the effects weren't what I needed. Anything that can increase anxiety and/or depression doesn't help me on a day to day basis. As I began incorporating the peptides into my daily life, my "craving" or taste for alcohol began to decrease. This is not a verified claim by any means, but I was not going to fight it. I started to try adaptogenic, nootropic and other plant-based beverage options instead of alcohol and do not see changing that anytime soon. These options are enough to help me relax and stay clear. I feel so much better physically overall and I know it's better for my mental health. I will occasionally have a drink or two (we live in one of the main Mardi Gras cities and I try to occasionally be around adults socially) if I feel like it, but honestly it just isn't what's best for me currently so that's one of my easier decisions to date. It may not be forever, but this is what will be best for the kids & me for now. If you have any interest in any of the peptides, you can check them out here:

https://makewellness.com/E1D3418418

I'm so grateful I listened to the urge to prioritize my emotional, mental & physical well-being when I did given the last few months. It's been several months that feel like I'm treading water and the waves continue to roll towards me, each time rising a bit higher. There are moments I feel as though I'm about to give in to the drowning and just sink, like weights are just continuing to be added to my ankles, pulling me. In every area of my life, there is no respite currently. The kids overall are doing well but definitely having some emotional struggles.

Leading in to the holidays this year, I felt worn down and defeated, honestly. I was heartbroken at the thought of not having my kids in the house on Christmas morning, exhausted from pouring into the studio, and completely stressed at the thought of pulling off Christmas. I had an upcoming wedding (as the planner) that I was so excited to work but felt totally depleted. I shared some of these concerns through this blog, and the response was beyond humbling and exactly the spark I needed to power through. After sharing, I almost immediately received messages from people I know and people I've never met. Amazon packages began arriving at the house. I graduated from a wonderful small, liberal arts college, and a group of my sorority sisters quickly came together and purchased the playhouse I planned to get for my girls and made sure I could care for myself as well. People I've never met sent gifts from my son's Amazon list. The gift tags were usually messages of encouragement for me. At the same time, I saw constant messages on social media of other moms struggling through the holidays. I helped where I could and gave of what I could. I have always believed that energy that you put out into the world will return to you, and this was a prime example. The beautiful, generous, and selfless efforts that others poured into me filled my heart like nothing else. I'm grateful daily for my family relationships and the support they have always shown me, and feeling seen, loved, lifted up by others sustains me through so many hard days.

With sincere gratitude filling my heart, I was able to focus on the true happiness of the wedding I was working. I knew the bride already and wanted the day to be the best it could for the two of them. The kids were already with their dad for the holidays and knowing they would actually have a Christmas, I could pour fully into the joy of the day. Not that I wouldn’t have otherwise, but it came from a place of a more healed heart than it had been a few weeks before.

I know everyone isn't living this same insanity, but we all have hard things in our lives right now. It's not a competition - as a friend said to me the other day, "This shit is HARD." (Apologies for the language). I pray daily that we may feel not just a desire to give & serve others in the year ahead, but that we truly have the capacity to do so. That we are showing ourselves enough love so that we find ourselves with love to give, and may our efforts compound, multiply, have a domino effect into our communities. I tell my children all the time when dealing with hurt feelings from another person, we only speak hurtful things to others when we are already hurt. When someone behaves negatively towards us, they would not be doing so if they weren't in need of their own healing. What if we took a step back and asked if what we're about to do or say to another will result in something helpful or hurtful in the long run? Like someone's dress? Tell them. Hold the door for someone else. Do something that will save someone else extra effort or a step, and they in turn can use that positivity towards another. It's past time for us to reclaim the human component of ourselves - true connection has disappeared as of late and is needed more than ever. At our core, we all want to feel seen & understood.

Praise God for those moments, especially as of late. After Christmas, I entered into the new year feeling recharged, hopeful, and ready for forward progress. Unfortunately, I hit a pretty big wall. As the studio began to gain new members, I felt good about the traction we were seeing. It hasn't been as fast as I would like, and I still have a ways to go. Getting back on track, especially financially, feels nearly impossible some days and I worry in my human moments that I may never get there. There have been times that paying the bills isn't always an option, and delays make it even more difficult to catch up. As team members took a step back, I fully understood the reasons in each instance but it was still rejection. I quickly found that rejection for me leads to self-blame and non-existent self-worth. Whenever someone did step back, I wasn't in a position to pay to train a new person, so the demand on the remaining team members increased as I continued to struggle in every sense. There were absolutely times that I would pull from my personal funds (usually my plasma money) to make payroll if needed. In the last few weeks, we have dwindled down to a precious few team members. I'm currently teaching 25+ classes per week and while a fresh start is ultimately for the best (as my mom quickly reminded me in one of many panicked phone calls), it absolutely causes the dark thoughts and negative self-talk. As is seeming to become pattern, I worry and God answers. Maybe two days after the last resignation, I received a text from a sweet friend who also teaches the same workouts for another studio; she texted at 6am on a Wednesday morning when I was in the middle of teaching our 5:45am class. This is a class time I haven't been able to teach since my youngest was born (for logistical reasons). The kids were with their dad, so I was able to cover the time slot. I returned her text to find that she was interested in picking up more hours. But God. She was available for my evening classes one night a week (which are extra tough as I have to have a sitter pick up the kids, get them home, start dinner, and then I get home usually close to 8 and have to convince everyone to go to bed - aka exercise in futility) and as many weekends as she was available (another time that meant scheduling/paying for a babysitter). I then reached out to another teacher that had visited a few months back when she was in town considering a move to the area to check in, and she will be here next month and as she said, "wants to make my cute studio her home studio". But God.

Each time, he answers my feelings of rejection by showing me signs of love.

While all of this was happening, I was driving back to the studio one afternoon after dropping off the girls' car seats at daycare (for their sweet sitter who teaches at their school), and just before I was within sight of the studio, my car started shaking and making a noise I hadn't heard. I slowed down and prayed repeatedly for me to be able to pull into the parking lot. I made it, parked the car, and went inside to figure out how I was going to get everyone home. It seemed to be the front tires which were in desperate need of replacement but as usual whatever is in front of me demanding my attention (kids) will usually put the things that aren't right in front of me on the back burner. This time was to my detriment. The kids' dad picked us all up the next morning to get us to daycare, school, and work. When I got to the studio, I saw my front passenger tire was something that formerly resembled a tire haha. After getting it towed to the local tire shop, I received a call from the tire folks who were incredibly helpful & efficient. My car was ready by lunchtime, and the kids' dad paid for the tires (which made me immediately suspicious but was appreciated regardless).

We continued right on into the last weekend of Mardi Gras. If you don't live in an area that celebrates it, nearly everything shuts down. Much like "circling back after the holidays" around Christmas, once we hit "Deep Gras" there is very little progress in any area beyond celebrations. The kids have taken to it like a fish to water - it isn't as big of celebration where we lived before we moved, and their excitement is so fun (and tiring) to experience. The double stroller got a lot of use, schedules fell completely apart, and the youngest is still asking every morning "are we goin to da Mawdi Gwaw?!?". In other words, we tired.

As last week came to a close, I was in a good head space and looked forward to the first weekend not teaching in ages. In two separate instances on Friday, the number 11.11 appeared - I don't fully invest in lucky numbers & stuff, but it caught my attention. I scooted over for my usual Friday plasma donation that is our food money for the weekend, only to be told my iron was too low to donate and I would have to come back tomorrow. That meant finding childcare, and when I checked with one of our regular sitters (another daycare teacher) to see if she had a free hour on Saturday, she quickly responded that she would be happy to because she had the stuff to help our middle start her rock garden (currently in a big rock collecting phase, and this now includes random broken chunks of asphalt). People who love my kids like their own are worth their weight in gold (or whatever metal is valuable these days). I was still going to stay in a good head space and looked forward to time with my kids that weekend.

Saturday morning we woke up, had a slow morning, fixed some breakfast, and decided a park trip would be a good morning outing. Got everyone dressed and packed, and we walked out the front door to find my car was gone. My heart sank, I thought I might vomit, and then tried to calm everyone down and manage the resulting energy, confusion and emotions. I quickly realized my car had been repossessed. We've been living in a "rob Peter to pay Paul"cycle the last two years, and I dropped the ball. Given that paying the bills hadn't been on me for the last 15 years, I am constantly having to figure out which bill can be delayed that month. For those wondering, yes he pays support. We do not split any of the education costs, so both girls' daycare & my son's school tuition come out of my child support. This leaves a laughable amount to survive, and my car note is beyond astronomical. He negotiated the car loan after already being involved with her, so I have no doubts he had no plan to be sure I could keep up with it. By the time I would have been struggling, he would have already moved to Texas had everything panned out as they planned. I called my lender who told me we wouldn't have any answers until Monday. Feeling about as low as they come, I texted the sitter and told her what happened. Since my car seats, stroller (even my makeup bag, FFS) were all in my car, we were home bound. This sitter is honestly like family at this point, so when I mentioned her staying with the kids for an hour and I would get a ride to plasma, she responded that I needed rest and to send her a list of what we needed. She come over a few hours later with groceries & rock garden supplies. She quickly herded the kids outside and put them to work for the next few hours. I was able to tackle the mountain of laundry that needed folding and binge one of my trash shows whilst folding and it was the closest thing to a break I've had in a while.

Suffice it to say, I wasn't in a great space over the weekend, and we had Daylight Savings Time (can we all just agree to never fall back again??). I woke up Monday full of dread and worry. I had worked out transportation for all of us and would be able to call after I taught my first two classes for the day. I only shared what happened with a few people because honestly, I'm humiliated. While, just like with the studio, I have done & am doing everything within my power to right the ship - it just isn't getting there fast enough and someone keeps adding weights to my ankles. I was braced to feel undesirable, less than, all of the feelings I felt as my marriage was crumbling. Instead, those with whom I did share immediately poured into me with love, support, and empathy. Some had been through the same or similar experiences. Yesterday & today, people have made sure that I eat something and have rides to wherever we need to be. My unbelievable clients have even provided a vehicle for me to borrow while I get everything worked out and determine next steps. While I cannot yet really exhale or feel that things will be better "soon" (when is that, exactly?!?), I do believe that God is clearing a way as he has been doing throughout this entire journey. Why and for what reason, I don't yet know. Do I wish all of these crazy implosions were less dramatic? Absolutely. I should also remember that He knows who I am (and Whose I am), and I will keep fighting until I literally can't - for the studio, for my marriage, for my kids, and hopefully for myself one of these days.

For anyone in a season of struggle or waiting, I am with you. What I've just shared is way more vulnerable than I want to be right now, but it has weighed heavy on my heart the last few weeks to share with y'all that even in our darkest moments, there are slivers of light. As everything is still very much crumbling and cracking, my hope & prayer is that it is making a way for something better. I pray daily for my kids, the studio, for my team, for friends & loved ones....I try not to worry about the future, but we're human. I've had a lot of very human moments lately...and so many times it is quickly counteracted with clear signs of love and hope. Doing something positive for someone else today, and collectively let's reconnect with our human side.

This is a fallen world - the perfect life isn’t on this side of earth. While some portray that a life of perfection is typical, the true beauty is found in the moments of timing, split-second decisions, and realizing why people were brought into your life years ago.