...and they don't stop coming. Yes, the song is now in my head (& probably yours, too - sorry!). Sadly, the lyrics are spot-on at present.
Some have noticed or commented that I haven't shared in a while. Instead of picking up where we left off (which is pretty much a year ago exactly), I'm going to make a slight shift just to bring everyone to present day. Next time around, I'll head back to a year ago & share some highs, some lows, and some stories where you have to laugh to keep from crying.
I'm deviating to share my present-day updates in the hopes that for anyone in a challenging or otherwise difficult season of life who feels like it keeps going & you just want off the ferris wheel/merry-go-round/any county fair ride, I get you. I've always been more successful with defined, attainable goals with actionable timelines. I'm a planner and always have been, socially, personally, and professionally. Living in a state of perpetual freefall for so long, I felt unable to make plans. My trust in anything going as planned was fractured in multiple places, and for the last two years I have existed in survival mode - and it never really let up. For who even knows what reason, a year ago at this time, I remember thinking, "Ok, give it a year. You will be in a much better place and feel like yourself again." I was about to move across the bay with my three small kids as a single mother. I hoped I would "have it all together" if I gave myself a year. Over this past year, I have been pushed to and so far past limits I thought I had. I've had very dark days that all I want is to run away, but also I have had several moments that remind me I am worthy and can do what I need to get through. There hasn't been a period of time that wasn't hard in some way or another in 2.5 years, and that becomes draining.
And now - a year later - tonight is our last night together in the first house we lived in as the four of us. Yep - moving again. The timing feels overwhelming, to be honest...I can't believe it's been a year already. Also, it's summer, so my oldest is out of school and had a few sporadic camps but otherwise was with mom and SO BORED. To say the last year did not present opportunities for me to improve what his actions did to my credit score & overall financial stability would be an understatement. Not an ideal time to be a tenant applicant. Most of my applications were rejected, and as an adult woman, and a mother - I would have been lost without my own mother. She wouldn't let me give up on looking for places (there may have been one or two listing links sent in the wee hours of the morning), and I kept applying. Yet again, I was undesirable to someone on whom I was depending, just like I was a year ago and have continued to be despite making every effort I can fit into a 24-hour day. Nevertheless, we finally found a spot. Yet again, God shows up in His timing. While having more of a heads up or at least being the one to initiate moving is always less stressful, in the end our new space will be so much better for us. We'll have a fenced backyard that both the two-legged and four-legged members of our little circus have definitely needed, a screened-in back porch (and anyone who's lived in South rejoiced!), a super walkable part of the neighborhood with pretty trees and still in the same area of town. In spite of this, a tiny voice in my head tells me I failed them having to move a year later For context, I depend basically exclusively on his support at present. I'm unable to pay myself at the studio currently (I was able to before the baby was born, but owning a business when you're in shock from your life imploding doesn't always go as you would hope), I've lined up a few "side hustles", have found a few online surveys & focus groups (happy to share if anyone is interested) that pay in gift cards (is there a mom out there who couldn't use $50 at Amazon?!?), and even donated plasma. It's literally blood, sweat, and tears to try to get my head back above water, but most days feel like Jasmine in Aladdin when she's trapped in the hourglass and the sand keeps raining down.
So no, I don't have it all together. Most days, I feel far from it. To be fully transparent, it was not until I started this blog that I even could start to process the steady, incessant insanity of the last few years.
In addition to that move, I'm also relocating my fitness studio. This one hurt - at first. While the feelings of failure abound personally (just as far as my ability to feel like I can adequately give my kids the life I pray for them to have), feeling like I failed professionally/outside the home was that extra kick while I was down - at first. It became more & more difficult to pay the bills; I knew that smaller fitness studios everywhere had struggled in the last few years with costs increasing from every angle. In a time of massive stress and uncertainty, I was incredibly grateful to be part of our brand as the corporate office offered efficient and reassuring assistance. I felt heard and valued. The brand, the classes I've taught for over a decade now, has meant the world. It broke my heart repeatedly over the last year or so to know that I couldn't be there for my team or our clients the way I wanted to and the way I should have while everything was going on, but there were no longer enough hours in the day to complete the checklist.
The new space came together through a combination of my barre studio world from 8 years ago and wedding planning world this past year, and I cannot wait for the finished studio space. As cheesy as it may sound, anytime you connect the dots from several years prior to present day, it brings a really positive energy. It's a historic space with great character that is going to be such an honor to pour into. I'm excited to have the capacity to feel passionate about something again - "I have an hour to myself? Ooooohh I can tweak my New Member Welcome Kit layout! Yesssss."
These classes are my safe space, my refuge, and I know have been for so many women (& men) who walk through our doors. When my dad was in the hospital leading up to his passing, I was welcomed into the studio back in my hometown every morning before I would spend the day in his room. It helped me be more present for him. After he passed & I returned home (which was Houston at the time), I could turn off the noise in my mind for 55 minutes if I took class. It was the breath that my heart & mind needed to recharge. When my oldest was two years old, I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks. Once I was cleared to exercise, taking class was the time I knew I could make space to heal. The classes carried me through the pregnancies & births of my three beautiful babies. I can't fail. Yes, I'm a mother & grateful for that every day. However, I am also other things that are worthy of more effort than I've been able to give up until now. And sharing these classes with as many people as I can in the hopes of our new space offering refuge, release, respite, relief, restoration (you get the idea) has reignited a spark. I have some bigger goals, of course, but am also proud of the steps being taken now. I have hope.
So no, I don't have it altogether.
This morning, the car wouldn't start. Had the kids loaded up a little ahead of time - had a summer camp dropoff, a daycare dropoff for the girls, and I'm teaching popup classes this week because the temporary space we've been using had one schedule conflict for their annual summer camp - so I had a whole popup setup in the car as well as all of the usual Monday items (nap mats, backpacks, the morning's snack selections & sippy cups). Loaded everyone into the car, buckled the seatbelts, distributed the morning's first course of post-breakfast snack, and hopped in my seat. Pushed the button and clickclickclickclickclickclick nothing. Pardon? That's a slightly offensive way to start the week. Surely not. Ok try again. clickclickclickclickclickclick. Yeah that's pretty clear. While the kids had unbelievably pointless arguments in the backseat, I messaged a few people, including a sweet friend who had reached out that morning to confirm the location of our popup class. When I responded that I may not even make it, she immediately requested my address and said she would pick us up. She arrived shortly thereafter, and immediately hopped out to start moving things around. Why Car Seat Unloading/Loading is not going to be featured in this summer's Olympics...I'm at a loss. Y'all, intentional friends are such a blessing. The ones who can show up, recognize what needs to be done, and make it happen. We loaded car seats, kiddos, nap mats, backpacks, pop-up setup (sound/speaker/mic setup & tower fan), and ourselves into her car for an enthusiastic drive. Excited voices from the backseat asked lots (LOTS) of questions, called my friend the wrong name, and kept the energy level up the whole time. We successfully dropped off everyone, setup for the class, I taught, and we headed back to my house. We checked for other options, and finally I hopped back in the try again, "just in case" after the first 23 times that morning weren't enough. It cranked. Almost without even needing to speak, my friend scrambled to her car and followed me to the O'Reilly down the street. We've been friends for nearly a decade, and our time together was such a blessing. The entire day would have gone completely differently had she not jumped in. Turns out, my car just needed a new battery to run. I know exactly how she feels.
So no, I don't have it all together.
Tonight, after the kids fell asleep in this house for the last time altogether: the middle next to me (it's been a hard year for all of us), my son in the middle one's bed in the girls' radjoining room, and my sweet baby perfectly content in her crib, I decided to open the prosecco split gifted to me by a sweet friend who makes my wedding Saturdays brighter, cut a slice of the cake the kids & I made night before last (we've had several "last week in our house dessert" opportunities) - this one was clearly "no limit sprinkles", and sat down to catch my breath, try to put words to what's been swirling in my brain, and toast myself for getting through this past year. It wasn't pretty, we all had a lot of tears at different times, but there have also been a lot of laughs, a lot of learning, a lot of beauty shining through in the times of resting darkness.
It is still SO VERY FAR from feeling like it's "going well" - but a lot of it is likely due to the ever-present mom self-doubt. Somehow, even knowing the next several days are going to be beyond draining - physically, mentally, emotionally - I'm excited for this move. In these last few months, I'm grateful for times of awareness and feeling like I'm starting to recognize the woman in the mirror again. The boxes are planned out with organization/ease of transition as top priority: "1st night" boxes (towel for each, set of sheets/blankets for each bed, toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, hand soap - took about 3 medium sized boxes for us just because of the blankets), a large suitcase packed with a week's worth of PJs/outfits for each family member contained in one spot, toy boxes organized by type (might seem like a no-brainer, but I was not capable of that level of organization a year ago). School starts less than two weeks after we move, and one of mine gets tonsils removed 3 days before school starts. On the nights that sleep remains elusive, I have found myself creating Amazon lists for the rooms at the new house and for the kids - the touches that will make the house feel like a home. The efforts that can simplify the day to day; I love the homes in our area, but given the time period in which they were built, closets & pantries are not always in abundance. I (embarassingly) enjoy planning out how to set up our spaces so we have a little more "work smarter" in the hopes of less "work harder". It gives me visual goals to work towards - places I know I can reach, just a couple years delayed. I am hopeful this next year puts us on a path as a family to not feel the daily heavy, unyielding weight this last year has held, and I pray nightly that the kids feel without hesitation that they are loved & safe within our walls. So I create Amazon carts as a checklist/inspiration/manifestation board because it's an easy way to visualize what feels warm, safe, healing, positive. Don't judge. Screen time be damned - it's the closest thing to "me time" when the master of sleep gymnastics karate is next to me. And this time around, I included myself in the cart plans. I still put myself far down on the priority list but am (re)learning that I deserve to be cared for, to have a calm space in my home, to feel organized, to be loved by others as well as myself.
Finally, I've felt hopeful, candidly, the last few months - and it had probably been over two years since I had had more better days than bad days. Maybe I'm just worn down by the kids to the point that I'm here:
Honestly, I want to build a life that I don't feel like I'm always having to tell the kids "no" - to treats, activities, or even just one on one time.
I feel more intentional than I did a year ago; I'm more honest with myself the last few months but that's also due in part to slowly becoming less numb. Very much like anesthesia wearing off after a procedure, as the walls I had to put up starting two years before begin to crack & crumble, the tingling begins. As the feeling begins to return, whether it's to your heart, your mind, or your limbs, there are countless stabbing moments before you actually feel like you can move again. Even once you get to your feet, you're unsteady and doubt yourself...you doubt if you will get back to where you were. But somehow, despite continuing to feel knocked down in every area of life, you can continue to connect the dots and see God's hand guiding so many moments. And while you have so many uncertainties ahead, you also have hope. Some (a lot of) days, feeling that hope is exhausting. FINALLY, I am learning to decline or at least delay things that I don't currently have the space to prioritize. While I know what can be taken on over a month-long period of time, I now work better when I limit the number of projects I'm juggling; bury down into 2-3, and then take on the next as a prior one completes. Everything still feels in flux most days, but (maybe? hopefully?) the waves are calming. Thankfully, in the last few weeks, I've begun piling the older two kids in the bed with me after the youngest is asleep, and we listen to bedtime stories, nature sounds, whatever they pick, and it will usually guide the listeners through some deep breaths. Most nights, ending our night by calming down with deep breaths seems to keep our crew (aka, yours truly) feeling a little less worked up.
THE NEXT MORNING:
We had a relatively smooth departure to head to daycare & summer camp. As we pulled out the driveway, we waved goodbye to our house (they will be with their dad for the rest of the week) & thanked it for our memories. My son said he was going to miss it, which gives me comfort more than anything else. I don't know if this is our next chapter, or if the last year was the prologue to our first chapter, but either way, I have hope & faith that my kids will have the mom they deserve - whole & healing. Maybe not right away, and certainly not without future sleepless nights wondering if and when we will get there, but I have hope & faith. So we will keep getting up, figuring it out, and when the day comes that we can make actual plans for our future, my gratitude will last a lifetime. I'm grateful daily that God entrusted these three to me, and there is truly no better motivation to put one foot in front of the other.
Some have asked, so I have shared the lists I’ve been making below. There is absolutely no expectation for anyone to do anything, but I have learned that when people ask or offer you learn to say yes. We aren’t meant to do this life alone, and anyone who does feel led to do anything please know these silver lining moments have truly sustained us through the hard times. We’ve been shown love by strangers, family, friends, friends I haven’t connected with in years - my sorority pledge class sent gift cards for groceries and Target that meant I could breathe for a few weeks. It is so beautiful when you realize that years of pouring into others through the weddings I’ve coordinated, the classes I’ve taught, and relationships I’ve built have poured back into me tenfold. I used to be queen of a gift basket (not like a fruit basket, but like one that was curated for the individual) and have every plan to return to my status again one day.
Living Room:
Kitchen:
Backyard:
T:
L:
E:
My room/bath:
GFM:
I have been following your story for a while and I just read the last post while I sit here on my couch. My house looks like a tornado has gone through it, if you count a 18 month old as a tornado. Very few of us have it all together. I know I don’t; not even a little bit.
The hand you were dealt last year was a blow to you in so many ways and a lot of women/ people would have crumbled. You didn’t; you just figured it out the best you could and did what you could to survive. That takes a lot of guts, courage and strength. Your babies know how loved they are an…
I hope you will continue to build on the credit you give yourself for living through all you’ve been through. Your kids are well and whole. You provide for and show them love. You’re thriving even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even as my heart hurts for all the struggle you’ve been through, I’m also in awe of you and happy to see you are doing it. You are building a better life for you and your kids. Those lists you are creating on Amazon, would you be willing to share the links to them? I’m sure there are many people besides me who are willing to ease your burden any small way we can. God bless you.
I would like to say that you may not seem like you have it all together, but I am just an outsider reading this. You seem like you are doing one hell of a job. Strength comes from many different places and during some very dark times you have rose above and said it will not keep me there. (Promise that I am not making light of your current situation that is completely unfun and unfair) When you are in the moment the end seems so far away and eventually things will look different. I am not sure if you already made the move, but if you need any help, reach out.