Moving through April was a blur of spring school activities and projects, narrowly escaping my cell phone being cut off, adding the family center to my frequently visited locations on my Waze, and preparing for the baby's cleft repair surgery.
The phone bill, that had been in my name for years but he always managed, was overdue by $2,000. I went to the AT&T store and was told it was a miracle my phone had not already been cut off. I certainly didn't have $2,000 to pay the bill - clearly it wasn't a priority since he had another account to call her & get her a new iPhone. As the grown woman that I am, I added a line to my mom's account. It meant a new phone number for the first time in over 15 years, which was a massive pain, but it was the only way for me to have a way to call anyone.
My son's end of the year program was one of the first times he would be around the kids in an uncontrolled environment. Thankfully, my son's school was incredibly reassuring and the SRO officer had pictures of him as well as make/model of vehicles. Since the judge's ruling, he could attend events "in the best interest of the children" even though my ability to provide basic living necessities was clearly not a priority in their "best interest". Dear friends of mine, whose son is one of my son's closest buddies, saved seats for the girls & me and helped me stay aware of my son's location after the program. Understandably, my son was excited to see his dad; however, I had absolutely no reason to sit back and assume my husband wouldn't attempt to leave with him. That whole "crazier things have happened" had worn thin a while back - "crazier things"were my day to day life. Every day. Every day it crossed my mind that we were getting closer to her 18th birthday, and if my children were not physically with me then he could absolutely find a way to leave with one or all of them. I did a double-take every time a vehicle that I thought looked like any one of his transportation options might drive past. With a gymnasium full of people, my friend's unwavering gaze locked on my son as I herded the girls through the crowd was probably the only way I could breathe. My son told his dad bye, and with all three next to me it meant we made it through.
He then shared with me that he found a new rental house nearby and would be moving into it soon, so he could "help me out with the kids". Hard pass. I looked up the address he gave me and wanted to cry. It was the adjoining subdivision to ours. You could walk there if you wanted. I started to feel like I might never feel safe in a space again. How did he even manage to get it? Rentals in that neighborhood were more expensive than where I was with the kids. Hadn't he just filed for bankruptcy? Would his recent arrest not show up for any of it?
I was currently dealing with the mailbox loans he took in my name, a small credit card he opened in my name, and the credit card that I was occasionally permitted to use over the years but had never seen a statement for it (turns out I was the primary name on that account & he was the "authorized user" - all of which over the years - along with late household bill payments all in my name - had decimated my credit score). When I first met with my attorney, she advised me to get my credit report and review my score. I went home that day to open up an Experian account; when I entered my social security number, a prompt came up that an account already existed. It offered me his cell phone number to send a password reset text, or his email address to recover the password.
I just couldn't. Everywhere I turned, there was another fire he set for me to put out. There is not a back-burner wide enough to accommodate all of the pots & pans I felt like I had on rotation between "back-burner" and "absolute dumpster fire".
For now, I needed to make it through another family center visit, another hearing for my emergency support, and then leave town with the baby for her long-anticipated surgery. I arrived at the family center and noticed a different vehicle parked out front. A motorcycle. Fantastic. I was not permitted to park in the front; I was instructed to always pull into the back and wait for the chaperone to come out for me to hand off the kids. It was also made clear that I could not be parked anywhere visible nearby nor be seen driving slowly past the building as that might be intimidation. I guess the folks at the Family Center could see my inner bad bitch before I could. Either way, I couldn't get a good look at it, and he always backed into parking spaces so getting a license plate number was out of the question.
I was trying to soak in my time at home with the kids; the impending surgery had my nerves completely frayed, and mentally working through the court dates, changing residences, finances, all of it - it was just so heavy. We carved out some good moments, and our movie night fort quickly became a frequently requested & accommodated activity.
In a moment of beautiful generosity, a group of women I don't even know came through for me knowing nothing about what was on my plate. In a pre-op phone call with the baby's nurse, she recommended bringing a foldable wagon with us for our stay at Children's as she would have arm splints and probably be uncomfortable in a stroller for any walks we might take while we're there to get out of the room for a bit. Made sense to me, but a stroller was nowhere on my current list of things we needed but couldn't afford. I took to Facebook to a local Buy, Sell, Trade group and inquired about borrowing or renting one from another mom. I explained we were heading to Children's for a major surgery and would be there for a few days. Immediately, countless moms offered their own to borrow, and then one mom asked if any other moms might be willing to pitch in and get me a new one. She was worried that the girls would enjoy it and then we have to give it back. In maybe a couple hours, I had a message from her confirming that it was waiting for me at our local Target for pickup. Floored. I was completely floored. It was so kind of her and all of the other women who participated, and it was a visible reminder of the love and support that was holding all of us up.
Before we could get on the road for surgery, I had the hearing for my support. Driving to the courthouse, I had a phone call with a forensic accountant who came highly recommended. We walked through the highlights and agreed that someone with her skillset would be very helpful in determining his finances. With regards to the bankruptcy, my mom had a vested interest in it as she had loaned his business partner & him $50,000 in 2014 to start their company. Not surprisingly, they did not pay her back in full within two years with interest, and actually barely made a dent in the amount owed. She could now be represented in his hearings given that she was owed a sizable amount. Once we had a copy of the filing and lost count of the errors/incorrect information, we knew we needed additional help. As I was going down the list of vehicles of which I was aware, I mentioned the motorcycle I had recently seen. I pulled into the courthouse parking lot and saw it. He rode the motorcycle to court. I slowed, snapped a pic, and was instantly able to confirm a license number. It was a personalized tag "4{her name}".
It still turns my stomach when I see it.
Unfortunately, this hearing was unproductive yet again as there had apparently "not been enough time" to review our numbers to determine a support amount. I wondered what it must be like to live in a world where money doesn't exist. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I couldn't afford the gas it took to drive way out to the family center every time and find a way to kill an hour? He did reach out that night to ask if I was taking the kids with me for the surgery (less than a week before the procedure is the first time it comes up). I explained that they were covered; he said wasn't able to secure a hotel given it was a few days before Mother's Day. I made it clear we were covered - he had not once tried to join me for ANY of the extra appointments we had leading up to this - why start now? Also, since we had the appointment, he had event dates in our calendar.
What's interesting is how our calendar dates changed after the incident where the meeting contact was told one of their vendors was a sleezebag (in slightly different terms). Suddenly he didn't need over a week to celebrate her 18th birthday I guess.
I tried not to let that carry over into my headspace during my time with the kids that afternoon as the baby and I were leaving the next day for surgery. The kids were staying with SF and my bodyguard friend from the school play, so I could feel secure in their care. Being away from them had quickly become one of the most mentally and emotionally taxing things I endured, but good grief am I thankful for the friends, schools, and daycare that love on my babies. I could not ask for better support.
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