As we moved through January and into February, the star-crossed lovers argued over not responding to each other within minutes. I received a far more generous timeline, sometimes waiting days and towards the end, weeks, before I would receive a response.
I asked him several times to just put Life360 on his phone, and then I wouldn't bother him asking if he was safe after supposedly driving halfway across the country. He never did, and I later saw that the app privileges were bestowed upon her instead. They kept AirTags, used Life360, and just about any other form of technology to stalk each other at all times and argue when one wouldn't respond within seconds.
Remember the ForHims order? Well, the order (the "antidepressants") never appeared. Then we got charged again. Twice. $150 every time for something our insurance would fully cover? I hadn't gotten my hair done in six months because we couldn't afford it, but this - which could easily be essentially free - wasn't an issue? I asked, and each time he would snap that the order "never arrived" or that he "meant to cancel and forgot". I then inquired what he was actually prescribed (seemed a reasonable question to ask your husband), and of course he couldn't remember. I asked him to forward the order confirmation, and then I could see if it was something insurance covered. He would say he didn't have time to find the email. I finally drove up to his work one afternoon with the girls before picking up my son and asked him to come outside. When he got there, I asked him to pull up the email. Furious, he angrily retorted that I "know how many junk emails he gets so it will take forever to find it". I don't know about y'all, but I could never find a past email if I didn't use my "search" bar. Also, for someone with a lifetime career dealing with various technology, I'm pretty sure you could find said email. He was livid that I had the nerve to show up at work (there was a single table with patrons inside and I never raised my voice. Also I was a shell of a person at this point & desperate for answers that were truthful). I told him to wake me up when he got home that night and he would have time to find it. That night, I did wake up when he came in, and when I demanded the email, his hands shaking, he snapped that I "know he deletes all of those emails". Huh? I thought you got too many? Now you have none because they're deleted? Make it make sense. I never saw the order confirmation but we will leave that one to question. I feel confident in deducing what was being ordered and will sleep just fine not seeing it in print. I've seen enough by now.
As it turns out, I was apparently not only aware of his extracurricular activities, but that it had been on-going with multiple people. Suffice it to say, I was not aware. When it comes to the validity of his part of the statement - who knows. Impressed that he acknowledges that he chose to abandon us repeatedly on weekends - but would always her tell he was "just staying at the house for the kids". As she so eloquently puts it below, staying for the kids my ass.
He would go on to tell her how much he put into everything before it "came to this". Odd, since his most noticeable personality shift aligns with when he began working with her nearly a year and a half before, and my repeated requests for counseling were ignored. Far more offensive than these type texts would go were the ones in which he shared pictures and videos of my children with her and they would imagine their future life with them and the progeny they planned to have. She would send TikToks of little blonde girls and joke that she would take my daughter to Target to "do all the shopping but shhhhh don't tell Daddy". Granted, she would be six years younger than her older stepchildren, but that wasn't a big deal, right? She did actually ask about these and other topics, and every time was met with an explanation.
Their conversations (**AT TIMES**) sound very familiar - very much like conversations I was having sixteen years ago. The reassurances, the promises, the dreams. I wondered what her expiration date might be when she would no longer be of use to him. The effort he put into tearing me down to her to make himself the hero is truly breathtaking. He didn't take it quite so far when complaining to me about his ex-wife, but he then always followed that with some type of praise for me. Reassuring me that we would be "different" than they were and how I'm not like anyone he's ever met. He did all of the same tactics with her.
But for now, they lived in a blissful world of made-up calendar dates, Malibu Rum, vapes, and him generously bringing home Gatorade & Ginger Ale to "their home" when she was too hungover the next day from a blackout night of drinking with him and vomited on the floor. She texted to ask how to clean it up, and when I read that immediately wondered how fun stepmom life will be to small children. Like a never-ending unpaid babysitting gig. No stranger to vomit over here, folks.
Meanwhile in the real world, the wildlings and I had a lot of time at home together given how overwhelming it usually felt taking them out solo. The baby started very thinned out solids, which was exciting & put us one step closer to her cleft repair.
My girls' had an art show at their daycare the second weekend in February. My mom drove down, and his mom drove over as well. He was out of town as far as all three of us knew (false), and at that point I had not heard from him in nine days. I will never forget what happened next and fully trust in God's hand in the timing of events that were about to unfold.
I had lunch that day with my mom, a dear friend from the studio, and - remember my newborn-rocking rockstar friend who stayed with me in the hospital? yup - that's the one - she joined us, too. We sat down, ordered, and in the most respectful, understanding, and loving way I could have imagined, they gave me the space to process and realize that things are not going well. The unaccounted for whereabouts, the restricted cash basis, the 180-degree change in his personality...that's not normal. The tears began, and I just asked what to do next. They recommended legal protection first, at least until we knew what was going on. Divorce attorneys were no where to be found in my Google search history. This is not a decision made quickly or lightly. My friends recommended I reach out to a mutual friend who was an attorney and get a reference. I reached out to see about chatting, and she quickly confirmed availability for that night. My mom and I called her that evening, and I recounted the last year & half and the moments of concern I had. When I got to present day, it hit me. I felt so dumb. So stupid. I felt like when I would watch the show "Catfish", muttering to myself, "how can they not see this is lie?!?". It all came together and I knew something did not add up. But what did it mean?
She was so kind and understanding, and thanked me for sharing that with her. She went on to say that it all sounded like a secret family, to which my mom exclaimed, "That's what I was thinking!"
.
.
.
What? Secret family? He couldn't. He wouldn't. Right? Right? SIXTEEN YEARS we have been together (his current flame was a year old when we started dating). We have three children together. It felt like an inside joke that I wasn't a part of. I thought he was gambling. He's so good at Texas Hold 'Em. That could be it, couldn't it? It accounted for his whereabouts and the financial insanity and would explain the late nights and short fuse. Yes, that's what it is.
.
.
.
She then advised that I should at least meet with a family law attorney to discuss next steps, and suddenly I added "call divorce attorney" to the to-do list. It felt surreal. It was another five days before he made any communication. Given that he was never home long enough (or during waking hours) to speak in person, I sent a text outlining that he needed to see a physician for bloodwork (to see if hormone levels were low) or a counselor if we were going to fight for our marriage. I asked him to sleep in the guest room (which he later spun & told her he "didn't even sleep in the same room" as I did) if he hadn't made an appointment by the end of the week. At least that made it easier for him to sneak in the house like any other teenager if he no longer had to risk waking me up.
Easily my most memorable Valentine's yet was my last one as a married woman. The night before, I put out the kids' Valentine's gifts and a card for him. The thread that I was holding onto at this point was razor-thin, yet I sadly thought a card would somehow give me a more definitive answer about a person that was having a slumber party fifteen minutes away.
The next morning was a typical hectic school day morning with the added excitement of school parties and exchanging Valentine's. I got the crew dressed as festively as I could manage and we got ready to load up. I mentioned to him that I got him a card, so as we were all walking out the door he picked it up. Without even looking at it, he tore the envelope open and tossed both the card and the envelope aside. He was getting quite good at tossing things aside.
When the kids and I got home that evening from daycare, school and work, my son walked over to the island where I had set up their cards and things, surveys the collection, and said, "Wait, Mom - who got you something for Valentine's Day?" My answer that I had everything I needed (i.e., the three of them) wasn't enough, and he walked over to the dining table and started working on a card.
I tried to be understanding & still a part of me convinced myself that that was a legitimate possibility that he could have to work late. I realized that night after I got everyone down to bed that I wasn't going to have enough formula for daycare bottles the next day. By this point, I was maybe making enough for half of her bottles and had no "stash" like I had with my other two. I checked the Walmart app to confirm availability (formula shortages are fun, huh?) and texted him to ask him to grab some on his way home.
I found out later that they celebrated Valentine's at "their home" that night (2/14) starting around 6pm, and their texts go silent until 6am the following morning. I think he had been in our house for about an hour when I woke him up the next morning to go to Walmart and get his baby's formula. I also had him take my car and fill it up since the gas light was on "E" and I hadn't yet received my allotted cash.
I reached out to the attorney & scheduled a consultation.
Now I'm unclear on if it was 2/14 (actual Valentine's Day) or 2/17 (their Valentine's date night, according to their calendar), but at some point around this time their was a big display with lots of roses, I'm sure promises of unconditional love, and the presentation of a temporary engagement ring (until she turned 18 and they could be "open" about their relationship, and then she would get a big diamond. (*insert cry-laughing emoji*)
I needed answers. I didn't know how I would get them, but I needed to take a step to start.
Turns out, I took a step and then found out I was free-falling out of a plane without a parachute.
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