Part 15: Auld Lang Syne

I made it through Christmas Day and focused on enjoying my mom's rescheduled visit to us to have Christmas after the freezing weather shifted our plans. My youngest stepdaughter was flying in as well to have time with us and would stay through New Year's. I needed something to look forward to. At this point, each day felt like screaming into a void. When he was home during waking hours that weren't rushing out the door for weekday morning routines, any tears I shed or questions for which I begged answers were met with nothing but an icy stare like I was less than human. I told him I felt dismissed, emotionally ignored, and like I didn't exist...he would laugh it off with a "you're crazy" and leave the room. Meanwhile my nightly prayers that I did right by my babies that day and for God to show me how to be the wife he needed me to be to turn this around happened to directly coincide with this.

*We were still very much married at this point, there had been no discussions of divorce much less filing.

At this point, he had closed our shared checking account (unbeknownst to me until I tried to check our balance on my phone, but shared with her to convince her he was done with me), so I had no access to anything shared other than the cash he would leave me when he would "leave town". The studio had come a long way, but it could not yet pay me regularly. Talk about Girl Math - I would have some intense Mom Math sometimes for weeks on end. "If I only get a half tank of gas, then I can get the bigger can of formula" and so forth. He also switched to iPhone. He had always preferred Android products, so I found the switch strange. He made a comment about his other phone not working when it was actually so the two of them could keep AirTags on each other.

As one might expect, I was under the impression that he had an event out of town and wouldn't be with us for New Year's Eve. After getting kiddos settled, none of us (my mom, my stepdaughter, and myself) were up for any extensive plans and were happy to call it an early night. I got the baby down (with a "last pic of 2022" selfie) and then thought I should check back in on him since he had a long drive. (Side note - I'm not a selfie gal, but I am so very thankful for the selfies I took during this time. I can immediately see & feel the darkness I was in but being able to see that my babies felt safe during this time is priceless. Mamas - take the damn pictures.)

Thankfully, the business partner had confirmed their arrival, so at least I knew he made it, right?

Except for one minor detail (and yes - "Home" & "Our house" is the trap house he was renting for them; "Kids" is because I had the audacity to teach evening classes one night a week when he was "in town"):

Also - I was teaching way more than in our calendar. The ones listed in the calendar were outside the hours that the kids were in school or daycare.

They weren't in Dallas. They weren't even together. After texting both the business partner and his wife that day, I eventually realized that the people who referred to themselves as "Uncle" & "Aunt" to my children were actively participating in covering for the man who was systematically destroying the mother of their "nephew & nieces".

Over the next few days, my texts went unanswered.

The gaslighting for "checking up on him" was especially memorable. It came through as I was dropping my son off at school and then driving our girls 45 minutes across the bay. I kept treading water and tried to keep my head above water. Thankfully, the kids offered plenty of opportunities for distraction. As the month went on, nothing changed.

Sadly, the new year was not the fresh start for which I had hoped & prayed. I'm choosing not to share all of their conversations over these dates, but suffice it to say they read a little different than ours. Even worse, the next month would only take things further off the deep end. How was this my life and when would I have answers? Thankfully (?), they were closer than I thought.