December started with a positive, at least. That first week, as I stood at the stove refereeing the heated discussion of who got to stir the mac 'n cheese for dinner, a friend & fellow studio owner texted from the Owners' Conference to tell me I had been awarded Turnaround Studio of the Year. I was humbled, floored, and so very grateful for one area of my life to reflect the blood, sweat, and tears I had put in. Of course, I had hoped to be in attendance and would have had the honor of walking across the stage to accept in person, but we didn't have the funds for me to travel nor support available for the kids.
As I cried tears of happiness, sadness, hope, and despair, I still couldn’t wait to tell him about my award when he got home that night from the restaurant. Being part of Pure Barre had been my constant through so many ups and downs in years’ past: my father’s death, multiple miscarriages, all of our moves, and now it was my one escape from the heaviness of my life. I received a “that’s nice”.
Despite how Thanksgiving went, sadly I was still hopeful for a change. We had my youngest stepdaughter’s college graduation at the beginning of the month right after I received the award. On our drive up, I asked about the room arrangements and was told the five of us were sharing a room. So much for any kind of time away. Later, I would read in their texts that they laughed over my son declaring a “boys’ bed” and “girls’ bed”, smugly agreeing that my son “didn’t even know he was looking out for them” in preventing us from sleeping in the same bed. I had struggled with my body image more than ever following my C-Section; this behavior did absolutely nothing to help it.
We made it to the arena for graduation - everyone in their carefully selected outfits and miraculously made it through the ceremony despite the fact my older two were handed full-size sodas and bags of Skittles at 8 o’clock in the morning.
My middle had a perfectly predictable meltdown as we were hustled out of the arena to make room for the next run of graduates. I managed to scrape her off the floor and we made our way outside to find our honored student. It was a blur of pictures, hugs, and congratulations before we made our way towards our cars to drive to the graduation brunch. On our walk, I overheard him chatting with my stepdaughter and she was immediately thanking and hugging him. I asked what was going on, he said nothing. I asked again, and he told me he “just got her something for graduation”. I was fairly certain I had heard a few choice words and point-blank asked if I heard him say he got her a new Jeep. I heard right.
A car? A car. Suddenly the cute sweatshirt she liked that we carried at the studio and the personal keychain alarm I got her seemed inadequate.
She rode with her mom to brunch, so I hoped to get some answers to explain why I kept being told the grocery bill was too high and our childcare costs were too much, but suddenly another car note made sense? Clearly upset that I would dare question his decisions, he yet again gaslit me to kingdom come and back to the point I would actually consider that I was overreacting. I wondered what topics in marriage WERE worthy of a discussion, if permanent tattoos and car purchases were not.
The positive out of our trip (besides being incredibly proud of my stepdaughter), was a chance to hang out with her mom, his ex-wife. We had a great time hanging out with her husband, telling stories, and visiting with her parents. We had always gotten along but never had an occasion to spend quality time together. Forever grateful for that afternoon and having another adult to connect with while he did his best to shut me out.
Coming home, it was clear that any Christmas memories this year would be up to me. He would be leaving in a few days for an event that would bring him home just before Christmas Eve. In my experience, organizations didn’t typically schedule meetings the third week of December, but what did I know? I had asked about the meeting a couple times and was aggressively shut down with the explanation that “it had been in the calendar for a while” so he “didn’t get why I would question it”.
For starters, because you married someone smarter than you. I may have been torn down, but I miraculously had not yet given up.
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