October 2022
October has always been a busy month for our family. It includes both of our birthdays, my son's birthday, and our anniversary. It's always been one of my favorites months, celebrations aside. The weather is perfection most days of the month, we haven't yet moved into "falling back" for Daylight Savings Time, and college football is in full effect. Who could ask for more?
I did my best to keep things moving. I made sure to have his birthday presents ready before he got on the road for another event (total waste since he opened them and just left them - they were all to make his time in the car on the road easier and more comfortable), took the baby to Birmingham for her first set of tubes (while a very common procedure, having them for a newborn felt extra stressful), and juggled school holidays, studio stuff, all of the life things. While being the solo/default parent was absolutely the regular arrangement, I still felt as though I had never been able to catch my breath from any direction. Recover from a C-Section? No time for that - you have an abscess with a massive infection behind it. Recover from being horribly ill? No time for that - you need to be home with the three kids by yourself. Mentally/emotionally/physically recover from having a baby? Hahahaha riiiiiiiiight.
Meanwhile, he made sure to depart from one of his events that month (he had some, but none of the dates I had were accurate. We would go a week or two without seeing him, but the event was a few days and then he would go to "our home" as the two of them referred to the house he rented for them) from one of the restaurants he was managing so he could introduce her to his business partner. She recalls introducing herself but exchanging "I love you's" before they drove off.
My birthday that year was a milestone one - 40 - and I knew something like a trip away wasn't an option but did hope for some form of celebration. When we moved back to Alabama in 2014, I threw him a 40th birthday party in a rented bay house with family & friends, football, and lots of good food. It wasn't anything over the top but certainly involved a lot of time & effort. Looking back, the koozies I ordered that said his birthday was "more fun than two 20-year-olds" hits different.
Remember the dear friend who stayed with me for two nights when Emily was born? Well, she tried for a year to get him to participate in some kind of plan for my birthday. A dinner, a trip, a brunch, something. Anything. Radio silence. I guess I aged out the year prior. I thank God all the time for this friend. She got together with some other friends and put together a beautiful birthday dinner at a local restaurant. My birthday was on a weekday, so drop-offs and teaching classes were part of the day. Nevertheless, the day included tons of well-wishes, cards, hugs, flowers, gifts, and more from friends & family near & far. All of the attention did help dampen the deafening silence from him, but only temporarily. Since he hadn't attempted to be involved with any of the plans, he did agree to pick up the kids that afternoon and take care of them that evening. I was able to come home and shower in peace. He arrived with the kids shortly before it was time to leave, and the older two kids had the gift that had clearly been purchased minutes prior. They were so proud (it was a water bottle for me "to have at my work with the exercise". It was perfect.
As I left the house with my mom & cousin, he mumbled something about getting me a painting from a local artist whose work I adore and had said for the last few years that having her paint a portrait of the kids would be a dream come true. Even my dear baby rocking, party planning friend knew and was trying to coordinate a group gift commission painting from friends since it meant so much. I guess he couldn't have every spotlight taken from him and said he was going to get it. (You can probably guess - there's no painting.) Sadly, that little breadcrumb got into my headspace and I had myself convinced that he was depressed and exhausted from all of his time on the road. I spent the beginning of my birthday dinner talking at length with my cousin about possible therapist/counselor options he might agree to. That tiny sliver of hope was embarrassingly enough to keep me going.
He "left town" the next day to go out of town to an exciting location fifteen minutes down the road. I thought he was in New Orleans at a work event, but instead it was the restaurant manager's (that was dating the best friend) birthday. The four of them got all dressed up and went out for a big night (where do you take high school kids for a "big night"? Laser tag?). They went to dinner & then had a big party (the four of them) back at "their home". He put more effort into planning a birthday celebration for a manager he had known for a year who had a questionable record than he did for me.
I spent our anniversary at home with the kids, and he eventually responded to my text (I never called when they were on the road because I didn't know the meeting schedules) with a heartfelt "happy anniversary". The shady business partner (who met the girl a few weeks prior and heard them exchange sentiments of love & missing each other) made sure to write a social media post wishing us a happy anniversary and advising us to always keep an eye on the big picture. Sound advice from someone married six times. Not a typo.
Thanks for following along and sharing in my story. More to come when tiny hands & eyes are not within reach of my laptop. xo, LH
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